I kept telling myself...

that I'm not bothered.

He was only a close friend of mine. Nothing has ever happened and nothing really does. I was only being a good friend even though I admit, there were times I let go of my guard a bit. He came to me, all needy and open to possibility. I gave him what he needed, an ear to listen to his rambles and a shoulder to cry on. He returned the favor by being super nice and anyone who saw us might have been really sure he was romantically intentional in his means. I refused to think so and I never had any change in my behavior nor did I ever treat him any differently than just a friend. So we grew really close but somewhere along the way, we drifted apart. We just did. I kept my composure, never asked for more and never offered more than what was necessary. He became less needy, and he kept a distance. I even didn't feel any loss. In my mind, I felt like nothing has happened and nothing changed. I never changed, I was the same as ever. But he did. He changed. Not that I could complain of.

But now, what he is doing, it's bothering me. And I am NOT jealous. No. It's  not denial, it's not self-defense. I know very real that I'm not at all jealous. I have my own feelings towards a guy and I have my own love life. I am not jealous but the fact that he is doing what he is now really bothers me. And this all chaos has pushed me away instinctively. I can neither look them in the eyes nor can I be around them. Deep down I know I can't be around them and I don't want to. I drift further away and I don't even stop myself. So I guess, I'm losing two very special persons in my life, and I don't know how the hell I'm going to stop this. Even if the situation changes, I don't think I can manage.

I don't know. And it frustrates me not being able to talk about it with anybody. It really is. The only person who knows about this keeps wondering if I'm jealous. Which I'm not.

Dammit.