Not so truthful, oh, the truthful folks.

"One has to know one's own limit, when to cross the line and when not to. But how can one knows one's own limit if one doesn't even know oneself?"

I like reading notes :) Maybe that's what brought me into writing this particular note. Browsing through my wide range of friends, literally, I stumbled upon some very well-written notes. An old friend of mine, Queena, has written few heart-warming notes and a past acquaintance of mine, Ruby, with whom I had a dinner together with and that's it, has also written some of his well-put thoughts.

Then I thought, it must be very wonderful to be able to write so beautifully. I always consider writing as an art. An art of conveying very profound thoughts into a string of words. It all started with a concept, a blank page, and the words just flowed gracefully. Even right now when I'm writing this, I still envy those people who can write incredibly well. So, let me have the honor to try explaining the inexplicable things in a most plain way possible. 

(Beware, I'm not guaranteeing any success)

This is a confession note. 

A truthful note from a not-so-truthful girl. 

All of my life, I've been searching, just like anyone else on earth. Some do it consciously, some not so much. Being a self-conscious person I am, I have enough intelligence to understand if there's something wrong with me. Having said so, I'm only a human. When I sensed something is wrong, I make prejudices. On myself, yes. I know something is calling and waving at me, shouting the words at me, "HEY, I AM YOUR PROBLEM!" but I turned my back to it and I said, "Well, there's nothing quite so wrong about me."

I am disgraceful, because deeply, I realized not everyone has this privilege. Not everyone can have a part of themselves clearly waving at them and telling them what the problem was. Not everyone can easily spot what's wrong and what should be repaired. I am one of those lucky bastards, but I still chose not to take any advantage of it. But you shouldn't blame me. I'm just one of those persons who are scared to look at their problems because then, they'll have to admit that they are problematic. And I don't want to be problematic. 

A person's mind resembles an abyss in depth. You can't and you won't succeed in measuring someone's mind. The furthest you can do is guessing what they might be thinking. But a guess is only a guess. Now anyone who thought this happens only when we are guessing others' thoughts, is totally wrong. Guess what, it happens inwards too. You always make a guess at yourself, too. You thought you'd be reacting A, but instead you have this profound urge to act B. Most of the times, we follow our logic and still do A. We use our brain and not our gut. That's when mistakes are mostly made. Why? Isn't it wrong to always follow your gut? Yes, it might be. But by following your gut, you have this firm understanding at who you are, what you would choose, and how you make your decisions. Those things make the mistakes worthwhile. Those things might as well prevent you from feeling worse guilt.

So here I am, having a part of me waving at me. Easily, I could've shut my eyes and pretend nothing has happened. But who am I kidding? I know something's wrong and that's all what matters. I'm not fooling anyone here. So for the first time in my life... the two me, one who has traveled and see the world and one who stayed behind, stand face-to-face. I'm not ignoring this abandoned part of me and it's time to face my own reality. Reality without which I wouldn't be who I am today. Reality I'm not proud with at all. Reality which has resulted from years of ignorance. Not easy to admit this, but writing this down makes it more real.

I tend to procrastinate and have difficulty following project through from beginning to end. I don't take things too seriously. My idea of what serious things and what not are skewed and in a very inexplicable manner. It's frustrating when disagreements keep happening between me and other people. I look at a thing, thinking it was not very serious, and being judged by others for being ignorant because they think it was serious. I look at another thing and thinking it's a freaking serious problem but others won't even have a glance at it.

I feel guilty when I stand up for myself or act in my own best interests. Might sound heroic, but I felt it. Not happy with it, but I felt it. I FELT IT. And my intelligence laughed at me for it. My own intelligence is telling me that I'm absurd and stupid. I shouldn't feel guilty for wanting something. I shouldn't feel guilty to stand for myself, but I felt it. Period. 

I give in to others' needs and opinions instead of taking care of myself. I let people shape me. I am angry when they think wrongly at me. I want them to know the real me before they judge me. But I also don't want them to know the real me. I don't want them to find out what's within me. And while I'm deciding between these two confusing needs, to be understood and to be misunderstood, I let people shape me. 

It is difficult for me to "let go." I am angry. I am disappointed. And often, it is so hard for me to forgive and let go. I want to linger on those negative emotions as long as I want, no matter how often my brain tells me I should let go and be freed. I felt that letting go might result in losing a part of myself and I tried to hold onto everything, even when I know with all my understanding, I shouldn't be holding onto them. I should let go of some things because that's how you move on. That's how you continue with your life. And I can't continue my life just because of this particular reason.

I am intimidated by angry people and intense emotions. The more angry people become, the less I can express my anger. Or even worse, thoughts and feelings. Mine all will happen few moments later, when no one is experiencing intense emotions nearby. When someone dies and everyone are crying, I feel this hollow emptiness of not feeling any kind of emotions. When people are overjoyed, I smile but I don't experience the same amount of excitement. I feel numb when people are emotional. I hold back when people burst. I pull away when people shine away.

I expect others to just know what I want. I've stopped asking for understanding or even showing I need it. I fear of embarrassing myself. I fear of facing rejections. So, I want them to 'just know'. As selfish as it may sound, I really feel so most of the times. But when people don't know what I want, I'll be angry. Instead of blaming them, however, I'll then blame me. And... 

I lie when I don't need to. Here it goes. Apparently, I am not the oh-so-truthful girl I want myself to appear to be. I used to use the lies as my personal survival kit. Though I know the tactic is no longer helpful, now that I'm not a kid anymore, and it's very unnecessary but I survived with it. I survived from the dark cliff of death with it. It has been my defense strategy for all my life. It's been working well and it's hard to cope with the fact that I might have to stop using it. Even now I'm thinking of leaving it, I feel bare and insecure.

So. Okay, I am now having a significant amount of fear. What the hell am I thinking about, writing this on a published note?

I guess I just need to face my own reality. Those things are things I've ignored for 20 years. I've loathed people who show those traits but yet, I am simply one of them. I hated them because they reflect me. They remind me of the nasty side of me. But I'm stepping up. I'm not one of them anymore because I've confessed. I've confessed and it's time to deal with them. One by one. Through the upcoming years, I'll become a better me. And I'm going to succeed. You should, too.

While those of you, who might not be one of us, can do something else. Whenever you have an acquaintance who keep saying 'I'm fine.', they're NOT fine. If they say, 'it doesn't matter.', remember, they matter. What they do might first not matter, but the person matters. And since they matter, the thing they do becomes an important matter too. Remember that. Don't assume that those people have their family to support them and hence, you don't need to help. Don't even assume that because most of the times, most likely, their parents are the ones who should be blamed. In a way, consciously or not, their parents teach them that they don't matter. They teach them their feelings aren't important. They teach them not to even try to fill their own needs. They teach them that their lives are worth nothing. They teach that they are of no use to anyone and they are only a burden. Then they teach them not to ask for help. They teach them to feel guilty for having needs. This is why they say, "I'm fine. It doesn't matter."

And that is the only legal crime in the world. Killing your sons and daughters by convincing them that their life is not worth living is legal and acceptable in our society. So don't assume if you have not the slightest idea where they came from.

P.S. Just in case no one noticed yet, I'm a very late bloomer. :)

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"The remedy is the experience. I won't worry my life away."