Truth about a girl.

When I don't call you, it's because I'm waiting for you to call me.

When I walk away from you and looking mad, follow me.

When I stare at your face barely blinking my eyes, kiss me.

When I push you or hit you, grab me and don't let go.

When I start cursing at you and saying bad things about you, tell me you love me.

When I'm quiet, ask me what's wrong.

When I pull away from you, pull me back.

When I was at my worst, tell me I'm beautiful.

When I start crying, hold me and tell me everything will be alright.

When you see me walking, sneak up and hug my waist from behind.

When I tease you, tease me back and make me laugh.

When I look at you with doubt, back yourself up and have a little faith in me.

When we fight, believe in us.

When I say that I like you, I really actually like you more than you could understand.

When I grab your hands, hold mine and play with my fingers.

When I bump into you, don't be mad and make me laugh.

When I tell you a secret, keep it safe and untold.

When I share my problems, give solutions and discuss instead of just listening.

When I look into your eyes, don't look away until I do.

When I miss you, I'm hurting inside.

When you break my heart, I may have forgiven you, but the pain never really goes away.

When I said 'don't be too sweet', compliment me even more.

When I said I was okay, I never am.

When I say it's over, I actually still want you to be mine, and never want you to be far.

Because of You

You've hurt me more than you could ever known

I was hoping and you were tearing

I loved you and you broke me

You said things so bad it couldn't be real

But I foolishly took it all in

Believing that nothing was all I'd ever be

'Because of you, 

I never stray to fall from the side walks...'

'Because of you, 

I learnt to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt...'

I went through hell to get where I am now

And the hell was almost all about forgetting you

I loved you and you broke me

You said things so bad it couldn't be real

I didn't want to believe it came from you

After all, now it's all about forgetting you

'Because of you, 

I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me...'

'Because of you,

I am afraid...'

I am now an accomplished girl

I have people loving me and taking me as I am

But I loved you and you broke me

And that is what I'll have to forever live with

You hurt me more than you could ever known

I hope someday you'll meet me and then you'll know

That letting you go was the only battle I proudly won

Because of you...

THIS... is how to do it right.

Preston Burke:

I could promise to hold you, and to cherish you. I could promise to be there, in sickness and health. I could say till death do us part. But I won't. Those vows are for optimistic couples, the ones full of hope. I do not stand here on my wedding day optimistic or full of hope. I am not optimistic. I am not hopeful. I am sure. I am steady. I'm a heart man. Take 'em apart, put 'em back together, hold them in my hands. I am a heart man. So this, I am sure. You are my partner. My lover. My very best friend. My heart. My heart beats for you. And on this day, the day of our wedding, I promise to lay my heart in the palm of your hands, I promise you... me.

And a cute one:

I now take you to be my lawfully wedded wife.

To be together in happiness and strife,

To have and to hold,

Even if your cooking grows mold.

I love you in richness and in debt,

And cherish all moments since we have met.

I promise to love you until the end of my days,

As long as you stay out of my baseball plays.

I pledge to be faithful,

Even when we're old and dull.

Truth.

A madman,

a sweaty-toothed madman

I close my eyes

His image flicks beside me,

with a stare that pounds my brain

His hands reach out and choke me

All the time he mumbles slowly,

Truth . . .

Truth is like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold!

Stretch it, pull it, it will never cover any of us

Kick at it, beat at it, it will never be enough . . .

From the moment we enter crying,

to the moment we leave dying,

it will cover just your head as you wail and cry and scream.

(From Dead Poets Society - By Todd Anderson)

Secret Life of Bees

I watched a great movie last night. Definitely, one of the best movies of all time. There have been several flicks that I label as 'tear-jerkers' and boy, isn't this one included. It's called 'The Secret Life of Bees'. The astounding performance by Dakota Fanning captured me so deeply I didn't even realize I've been sitting straight for two hours without moving. I gotta say, I've never seen Queen Latifah played more beautifully and gracefully ever. I haven't had any movie that got me into thinking few days afterwards, not after Freedom Writers and Good Will Hunting. The movie addresses the emotion and cultural conflicts so well, each character was exposed to their own story. Each of them came across with the others', the connection was inexplicable but yet, it is so beautifully resolved in the end of the story. This is the third time I've cried so hard because of a movie (first time is because Good Will Hunting and second time is because Freedom Writers), crying hard as in gulping for air and sobbing violently. I don't even cry that badly for myself. 

1. Lily Owens

This young woman, yes I prefer young woman rather than little girl, held tremendous burden in her life. She had the most terrifying past anyone can bear to live with, she killed his own mother when she was four. Ever since, she's been abused physically and emotionally by his own father, T.Ray, who didn't even want to talk to her if unnecessary. She had been missing her mother, feeling guilty for what she's done, and was determined to find out more about her. Up until one night, her father told her that her mother once left the house. He told her that the day she got killed, her mother was only coming back for her things, and not for Lily. Taken aback, Lily refused to believe the story and kept her faith on her mother. She was sure her mother couldn't have done that. It was as if the only fact she treasured about her mother, her mother's love for her, was taken away cold-heartedly. I don't think she could bear the thought of killing her mother and moreover, knowing her mother never actually loved her enough to fight for her. She then left the house, and journeyed to find the answer. Along the way, she met few incredible people who painfully, she had to lie to. She carefully built a wall to shelter her from them but nonetheless, being an innocent young woman she was, she loved them without being able to do otherwise. But unfortunate events happened, and she blamed herself for them. It was true, in a sense, they couldn't have happened if it wasn't because of her, but they all happened for a good reason. That was what she was missing, I guess. And we can't blame her, she was so used to being blamed. She lived with guilt just as she learned how to talk. She was unlovable, or so she thought.

2. Rosaleen

The time in which they lived was not friendly at all for a woman like Rosaleen. She was a colored woman, and not the smart one either. She only wanted to vote, to make herself heard. But she didn't realize how impossible it still was even after the Civil Rights Act issued. She hated the world, resented herself for being so hopeless and defenseless about her race, but still couldn't stop loving the white girl who's been with her along the way. I guess, she only wanted a family where she was accepted and not treated like crap. I was really happy to see her growing from a negative and angry woman who didn't even dare to open her mouth to speak for herself to a happy and bright woman who knew how to defend her loved ones. She was at first so angry at the world and at herself, blaming the world for not accepting her and blaming herself for not being able to fight the world hard enough. But she changed and that was a really beautiful transformation.

3. August Boatwright

I was stunned by Queen Latifah. I couldn't imagine seeing her like that and there I was, thinking, 'Man, what a cool mother she'd make!'. She was calm and graceful. She knew how to handle things the right way, and unbelievably, the most pleasant way possible too. When she first saw Lily, there was something in her face that told me right away she wasn't at all fooled by Lily's lie. She didn't know what Lily was trying to hide nor did she know why she had to do so, but she knew Lily came for the truth. She lifted her heart, and that was all she did throughout the movie. She said that the only matters in life was lifting people's hearts. That's what matters, so she said. I saw an extraordinary and phenomenal woman in her. She wasn't married and not because she wasn't loved or she didn't love enough to marry, but simply she loved her freedom more. Even when she said the words, I had the slight feeling that it wasn't all. Being the eldest sister, she felt the obligation to take care of her younger sisters, especially May, and she knew she wouldn't be able to be there for her as much as she wanted to be if she was married. When she lost May, the grief she felt struck a chord inside me and I was dumbfounded before my own TV. She howled in sorrow, for God's sake. But she took her lost peacefully and gracefully, just like she dealt with anything else in her life. She understood the life concepts, perhaps one of the hardest: letting go. She was the key of the movie. Without her, no questions would be answered and there would be no way Lily could make peace with her past, her present, her future and most importantly with herself and her father. 

4. June Boatwright

The beauty. I didn't even remember she was Alicia Keys. She was so selfish and full of disdain towards Lily and Rosaleen when they first came into the house. I couldn't understand her hatred although I didn't hate her. I learnt from the beginning of the movie that no one in this movie deserved to be hated. They all had their own sorrows and their own emotional burdens. They just happened to cross and stepped at each other's burdens. I was waiting patiently to see her story and why she acted so devilishly among all Boatwright sisters. She didn't marry her faithful suitor, but of why this might be, I'm still trying to figure it out. A part of me said she was only being selfish, because she didn't like to surrender. Accepting the man's proposal felt somehow like a defeat to her, like she was not in the control anymore. But I felt a bit of another feeling within her. I felt a glimpse of sisterly love and obligation towards May, just like her older sister, August. I was really touched when she started to gradually accept Lily and Rosaleen and eventually, really loved them both. I loved how she could let her selfish side go and started learning the concept of loving other people after she lost May. She let Neil loved her, she let Lily loved her, she let Rosaleen into the family, and she let herself loved her. The emotional journey that she went through, from a person who was so full of hatred into a person who loved possessively, would never go unnoticed. As little her role might be, you would've realized her growth and celebrated it with her.

5. May Boatwright

This may be the most heart-wrenching character for me. Others might love and feel for Lily more but I just couldn't help to cry and weep for May. She had a twin sister named April. April died when they were still little and when they were still together, they have the most intense twin emotional bond. Whenever April was hurt, May would feel the same pain. Whenever May tripped down and fell, a mysterious bruise would appear on the exact location in April's body, just like in May's. And when April died, mysteriously, the world became May's twin sister. Can you imagine how it might feel to carry the world's burden with you? May would cry for anything. When someone was in pain, she cried. When someone hesitated and confused, she sensed it. When someone lost his/her loved one, she felt a part of herself was gone too. She couldn't hate or be angry, she was too occupied with people's burdens. I couldn't exactly portray how it would feel to be like her, I could only imagine. I heart her and I feel for her. When she decided to let go of the burdens, I felt somehow relieved and in a way, I think it was the most perfect happy ending for her. While the others had so much more to live and to pursue, I think if she continued hers, she'd lose more than she'd ever gain.

This is a story about pain, guilt, hopelessness, hope, grief, acceptance, freedom, justice, forgiveness, love and letting go. I can't believe there could be so much aspects a two-hour movie can cover, yet so successfully convey the depth of each emotions. This really worth your time. And if you relate to one of the feelings, you would definitely learn something from it. Even if you had the happiest childhood possible and you've never felt such intense emotions like the ones captured in the movie, you would still find it enjoyable.

What's NEXT?

This is a really non-creative blog since I literally stole the idea from Linda, an old friend of mine. So here I am, reading her blog and thought, 'Hm, interesting. Why not writing one of your own?' and for seconds later, thought, 'You're unbelievably uncreative. But hey, you still want to do it anyway so... yeah.'

What's NEXT? I've come to realize that I'm really a long-term planning type of person. I find it exciting and gives me more space to explore the possibilities. I don't do short-term plans cos I tend to change mind quite too easily. But Linda's what-next got me into wondering, maybe I should try making shorter-term plans. I'll call in quarter long-term plans.

- The National Outstanding Student Competition

- International internship

- A career in teaching English

Let's talk about these.

1. The National Outstanding Student Competition

Every year, DIKTI (a national governance institution for education) have this particular competition where they choose few potential students in each universities and colleges throughout the nation. These students will then compete nationally by submitting a scientific paper on the addressed topics. They provide some sub-topics for us to choose and explore and I have to say, some of them are quite interesting. 

I'm never too fond of entering competition, I have to admit. I am a driven person, but I am pretty reluctant to call myself ambitious. And I don't enjoy competition as much as other people may do. However, I love challenges. And the thought of submitting a piece of scientific paper to the national governance institution feels like I'm doing something right for the country. As we all clearly know, there's nothing much I can claim to have done for this country so I'm entering this competition (not that I could say no, anyway, but I've decided to give my best instead of just submitting a plain paper) and let's see where this may take me. I don't have high hopes, looking at my friends who are also chosen to enter this competition by my university, I really don't have high hopes. In fact, they don't have anywhere else to go, so I'm just flying down the radar, doing something I think I will enjoy doing.

2. International internship

Another opportunity has presented itself upon me, I gotta say. AIESEC, a Dutch student organization, has decided to open its 2nd branch office in my university. So there will be a big opportunity for us to apply for the internships and travel around the globe to have new experiences of working with people from various countries. I personally aim for the Development Internships where you actually work with non-profit social organizations and work with children, HIV patients, and so on. Being in the developing country myself, I don't see much opportunity here. The people in need are abundant, the people who care are only a glimpse. So, I think doing an internship program in US, Canada or UK (any developed country) would provide me with professional experience in handling social issues. Those countries would teach me how to do the community work the right way and most importantly, the professional way. I just hope that my experience can be a good use later when I come back to Indonesia. 

Plus, I can't wait to see the world beyond this borders! ;D

3. A career in teaching English

I've been teaching English in local school for four years now. I've been doing it among my busy schedule of college (trust me, my college takes away my social life) and you can say, I enjoy it very very very much. I love the kids. Even though they're giving me daily headaches and occasional heart-attacks, draining my energy and causing me serious sore-throat, I still love teaching them. The problem is, I'm a self-educated teacher. I didn't undergo any teaching class or program. My teaching style has been a result of observing my own teachers and forming creative delivery method in my mind after watching movies, reading books, etc. I don't have perfect English, I still make craps and I've got so much to learn. I can't be compared with high-qualified teachers who have undergone intensive teaching courses. But I want to be one.

So, another opportunity again, my friend. I've got to known this English teacher of mine in my college. She's a bright and friendly girl who seems to like me very much (even though I don't really know why) and she gave me this information about CELTA course. Certificate in English Language Teaching to Adults (CELTA) is an initial qualification for people with little or no teaching experience and it opens up a whole world of exciting teaching opportunities. It is awarded by University of Cambridge so its quality is unquestionable. 

My hesitation is, if I'm going to take this CELTA course, I will be calling it an investment. And most likely, I'll then have to (or better to) pursue a career in teaching English. I like the idea of teaching English but I'm not sure I've come around the idea of doing it forever (or at least, few decades in the future). I could continue teaching where I do now, but CELTA course has grown to become a challenge for me to explore. Once, I treated TOEFL test the same way. When TOEFL test was seen as a very difficult test to get through by most of Indonesian students 5-10 years ago, I managed to bring myself to a satisfyingly high score. For the second time in my life, I'm challenged to take this course and discover how far I can succeed in it. And English is really the only subject that can trigger such enthusiasm in me. Like I said, I've never been the ambitious type.

So you see, the world has presented few opportunities before me. When I wished for one, none seemed to come but now, I have several considerations to make. Which one should I go for? Which one would be my first quarter long-term plan? This remain a question for me, whether to take CELTA or AIESEC internship program.

A day when trusts are being compromised. Or worse, sold.

I went to the election booth yesterday. My first trip to an election booth. And there I was, standing dumbfoundedly and not knowing what to do. Or who to choose. There were these three BIG pages consisting names and pictures of the politicians that would be representing my area at provincial level. But let me stop you here. 

The election in Indonesia is like no other countries. Let's just take the newest election celebrated, the United States' election. Unlike US, we have not only two parties but we have total of 44 parties. Yes, fourty-freaking-four parties. At least, that is so much that I know of. Try inserting a keyword to get a glimpse of the so-called political campaigns in Indonesia. Unlike US' organized political campaigns, we have no idea when the campaign had started and suddenly the Election Day has come. Now, do we know all of the names of the parties? No. Do we care to know? No. Do they make any attempt of letting us know who they are? Hell no.

I went inside, still didn't have the slightest idea what to choose. I admit, I might not be paying attention to the election campaigns like I should have. But I have an argument. I don't find any campaign interesting enough for me to watch or to follow. There were so many posters everywhere, dangling and hanging at every corner of the country. Unknown faces, crappy designs, lousy typos and none of them offer promising campaign. None of them even had the decent intelligence of a politician campaigning for power. All were radiating the same message: I'm becoming a legislative because this position offers huge pay and easy tasks, so just like everyone else, I couldn't resist. Help me on getting a lot of money. Pick me! They even have Gandalf in their posters!

So what exactly are we doing here? We treat Election Day just like any other national holiday. We walk into the election booth, not knowing what to choose (for most of us) and that's why they have the posters and the big list of parties. Because they KNOW we won't know what to choose. It's like advertising a product. You've seen the advertisements on TV and you are obliged to buy a product. So you walk into the supermarket and the last thing that determines your choice is the packaging of your product. We sought for the best names, maybe the one that suits your religion or your ethnicity, or the best face. The prettiest woman or the most handsome man. This happens. This really happens.

Call me cynical, but I am one of those many citizens who feel like this whole election is just a childish game which must be conducted solely because it's time, and filled by people who could care less about the nation's prosperity. This disgusts me. Maybe among these people, there are some folks who really want to make a difference. But they should've made more attempt to show their good intention. They should've made themselves heard. They should've made us see. But they didn't. So wherever we, the poor citizens, go, we only see lousy posters with ugly faces, asking for votes they don't even deserve.

Obama was there too, if you must know.

You know, I read an article in a fashion magazine few days ago. It's about sex. And I bumped into a good line, "Sex without love is like a promise you can't keep." That sentence struck a chord inside me and only God knows why for I don't even know why. When I was faced with almost a hundred choices at the election booth, I couldn't help but recall the line. I said to myself, "This is like sex without love. It's like a promise you know you can't keep. And hell, you don't even promise."

What I hate so much from this election is that they demand trust so fiercely we don't even realize it. They don't bother to give us anything, not even a promise. Or maybe if they do give us a promise, they still don't present us any implementation real enough to make us believe their promises aren't false hopes. In their campaigns, they don't talk about the future. They talk about the current conditions. The poor farmers and the children not being able to go to school. They talk about their past years of governance. They talk about the rising of global oil price and their past attempts in lowering it. (Not their REAL attempts because we all know they intentionally raised the national oil price so high so that they could lower them three times back to normal). They talk about the past, the good things they've done that make them deserve to rule once again. They talk about the present, a condition everyone are so much aware of. None of them mentions the future. 

So we all walk into the booth, our trust demanded, and in the end of day, when promises aren't kept and things got worse, we have no one to blame but ourselves. After all, if things get worse, it's not their fault. They didn't promise us anything, right?

Like an old popular saying goes, "Trust cannot be given. It must be earned."

I love this country. So much and perhaps more than some other citizens out there. But painfully I have to admit that I think, a better era would finally (hopefully) come to this country, if one day this nation's government understands the depth of this line's meaning.

P.S. By the way, no offense to those who really follow the campaigns and choose their trusted representatives. I'm just speaking from the majority part.

P.P.S. If you're choosing the current government, the Democrat, just because that's the only party you know of, then you're most certainly with me.

25 Things about Moi

001. I love a lot of things. Particularly art. I love writing, singing, and drawing. I appreciate art so much, even though this doesn't mean I'm any of an artistic being. I don't draw well, they are horribly a suffering for the eyes, actually. Every now and then, I make weak attempts of writing, and find personal satisfactory over the common works. I sing in choirs, which explains how I don't have the courage nor the talent to sing for anyone in any kind of occasion except in a church where no one would ever talk badly about your singing.

002. I find solitude the most in reading. When I read, I feel there's this whole other world for me to discover, and book reviews are something so sexy to me. I can spend 8 to 10 hours in a bookstore, something I rarely can do when living in a city and having so little time for myself. I abandoned the habit lately due to college schedule but I knew I was just making up excuses. Now I'm ready to nourish and relive my old days of reading.

003. I don't play any musical instruments. No matter how I envy those who can blow beautiful tunes out of a piece of hollow metal, I can't. And I'd love to learn, but again the old excuse. Haven't got time to learn it right now.

004. I PROCRASTINATE. The biggest fact about me is that I'm a natural procrastinator. With number 002 and 003 being stated above, everyone can see I make up excuses of not doing things. Not because I don't want to do them, I just love postponing until there's no time left for me to postpone it any further.

005. I plan long-term plans. I don't do well with short-term plans, they seem less exciting for me. With long-term plans, I can think of greater and bigger things.

006. I get bored easily. This is not too damaging since I don't make short-term plans a lot. So when I am bored with my idea, I can still make necessary changes to the plan. I know how bad my habit is, but I just enjoy it quite too much. Guilty pleasure, people would say.

007. I believe that women can be just as tough as men. I never consider myself as a feminist, but I am definitely one of those people who think that there's nothing a man can do and a woman can't, while we all know a man will always be inferior to us girls. They don't have babies popping out of their penises.

008. I love Italian food. I have this secret (now, not so much of a secret anymore) dream of going to Italian village to learn cooking all the fabulous foods. The big pans, the herbs, the ingredients, the kitchen, they all fascinate me. I just want to learn how to cook Italian food so much.

009. I hate people who pretend they know about everything while they actually aren't. Yes, they include people who think they know me just because they've been friends with me for some times, while actually, they don't at all. 

010. I know that a lot of people think I'm an open book, and I let them to think so. But I never consider myself as one. I see myself as a complicated soul who sometimes is very different with others and some other times, is no different to other at all. I don't think I'm an open book cos I choose what to show to others and what not. I choose to share with only some people.

011. I think when people look at me, they see what they want to see. Most often, they developed my personality before they got to know me. Which is weird. But I believe that there are some people around me who can actually get me and see me.

012. I never dream to be fashionable but I like wearing clothes that look good on me. I choose stuffs that represent me. I have a boyish, feminine, messy, and even a naughty side within me, and I choose stuffs that represents each of those sides.

013. I see people. Not every person, but I can see through them and sometimes see their intentions or motives behind their actions and decisions. I don't like some what I've seen in people, but I've learnt so much from what I've seen. I see people and I think that's a talent.

014. I am currently learning how to multitask very well, something I always remember Vivian by. =) I just think it's very cool if you can do that. It makes you look smart. And, it's convenient.

015. I am a very social person. I enjoy engaging with people and learn about them. I enjoy seeing them and get to know their stories. I find it enriching mine. Maybe because I'm that extroverted, I find solitude in most quiet way possible. One of them is by reading, and some others are like sitting alone at home or zoning out in a crowd.

016. I am a humanitarian. I find myself experiencing various intense emotions over several issues of humanity like abusive behavior or children mistreatment. 

017. I love Oprah. I know a lot of people think she is a common issue, but I don't care. Everyone loves Oprah and it is no surprise if another girl worships her, but I really do. As common as it sounds, I think she can do something I'd love to be able to do while I am still breathing. At some points, I sometimes even think I'd want to be my own version of Oprah. I'd be her in my own way.

018. I don't fear what a lot of people fear. For example: death. What I fear is that if I don't accomplish anything before I die and my death would be in vain. Another one is uncertainty. I love my own comfort bubbles but I am one of those people who are daring enough to step out of them and seek for new adventures. Partly maybe it's because I believe I won't die just because I'm not comfortable.

019. I love languages. I worship them. I think it's a very magical and astonishing thing to be able to convey same intentions but with different words and accents. It's amazing how people can be saying the exact same thing but understands no other language than their own. I would really love to be able to speak at least five languages in 10 years time. 

020. I don't mind same sex relationships and I believe in interracial relationships. I think any kind of relationship is unique in its own way and they all bear the same basic thing, care and affection. They may not be love, but they must be cousins. I think affection is the common language, the language that all relationships speak in, and therefore, I'm trying to respect whether it's same sex or different sex, whether it's intimate or not, whether it's kinship or friendship, I'm just trying to see what they all have in common.

021. I am 75% optimistic and 25% pessimistic. By nature, I am a pessimistic person who is often tempted to trust fear instead of hope, but I take charge of myself and most of the times, I command myself to look at the bright side and have a little faith.

022. I know which people I cherish, which people I don't like and which people I hate. I have difficulties in conveying my feelings towards them as along the way, I always try to read them more thoroughly. You know, just in case I missed anything and misjudged them because of it. I sometimes feel quite introvert because of this particular side of me. I find it irritating not being able (by choice) to really show what I feel as instantly as I would like myself to be.

023. I love Indonesia so much but I do have some personal dilemma. I want to do something for her because I think she's got a lot of potential and she deserves her citizens to fight for her. Sometimes I feel I won't be able to do anything, there are too many damages, and I want to just take off and live in other country for the rest of my life. A natural temptation for every Indonesian who has learnt about other countries and compared them to Indonesia.

024. I prefer strawberry rather than vanilla and I choose vanilla over chocolate. But, I love chocolate so much.

025. I think every person can just survive on his or her own. Nonetheless, I respect my friends and I do think at some points, I need them to survive. I think without them, the worst thing can happen. And it's not about being lonely or not having people to laugh with but you can lose your personality and no one would be there to remind you when you've forgotten. That's what I fear the most in losing friends.

Not so truthful, oh, the truthful folks.

"One has to know one's own limit, when to cross the line and when not to. But how can one knows one's own limit if one doesn't even know oneself?"

I like reading notes :) Maybe that's what brought me into writing this particular note. Browsing through my wide range of friends, literally, I stumbled upon some very well-written notes. An old friend of mine, Queena, has written few heart-warming notes and a past acquaintance of mine, Ruby, with whom I had a dinner together with and that's it, has also written some of his well-put thoughts.

Then I thought, it must be very wonderful to be able to write so beautifully. I always consider writing as an art. An art of conveying very profound thoughts into a string of words. It all started with a concept, a blank page, and the words just flowed gracefully. Even right now when I'm writing this, I still envy those people who can write incredibly well. So, let me have the honor to try explaining the inexplicable things in a most plain way possible. 

(Beware, I'm not guaranteeing any success)

This is a confession note. 

A truthful note from a not-so-truthful girl. 

All of my life, I've been searching, just like anyone else on earth. Some do it consciously, some not so much. Being a self-conscious person I am, I have enough intelligence to understand if there's something wrong with me. Having said so, I'm only a human. When I sensed something is wrong, I make prejudices. On myself, yes. I know something is calling and waving at me, shouting the words at me, "HEY, I AM YOUR PROBLEM!" but I turned my back to it and I said, "Well, there's nothing quite so wrong about me."

I am disgraceful, because deeply, I realized not everyone has this privilege. Not everyone can have a part of themselves clearly waving at them and telling them what the problem was. Not everyone can easily spot what's wrong and what should be repaired. I am one of those lucky bastards, but I still chose not to take any advantage of it. But you shouldn't blame me. I'm just one of those persons who are scared to look at their problems because then, they'll have to admit that they are problematic. And I don't want to be problematic. 

A person's mind resembles an abyss in depth. You can't and you won't succeed in measuring someone's mind. The furthest you can do is guessing what they might be thinking. But a guess is only a guess. Now anyone who thought this happens only when we are guessing others' thoughts, is totally wrong. Guess what, it happens inwards too. You always make a guess at yourself, too. You thought you'd be reacting A, but instead you have this profound urge to act B. Most of the times, we follow our logic and still do A. We use our brain and not our gut. That's when mistakes are mostly made. Why? Isn't it wrong to always follow your gut? Yes, it might be. But by following your gut, you have this firm understanding at who you are, what you would choose, and how you make your decisions. Those things make the mistakes worthwhile. Those things might as well prevent you from feeling worse guilt.

So here I am, having a part of me waving at me. Easily, I could've shut my eyes and pretend nothing has happened. But who am I kidding? I know something's wrong and that's all what matters. I'm not fooling anyone here. So for the first time in my life... the two me, one who has traveled and see the world and one who stayed behind, stand face-to-face. I'm not ignoring this abandoned part of me and it's time to face my own reality. Reality without which I wouldn't be who I am today. Reality I'm not proud with at all. Reality which has resulted from years of ignorance. Not easy to admit this, but writing this down makes it more real.

I tend to procrastinate and have difficulty following project through from beginning to end. I don't take things too seriously. My idea of what serious things and what not are skewed and in a very inexplicable manner. It's frustrating when disagreements keep happening between me and other people. I look at a thing, thinking it was not very serious, and being judged by others for being ignorant because they think it was serious. I look at another thing and thinking it's a freaking serious problem but others won't even have a glance at it.

I feel guilty when I stand up for myself or act in my own best interests. Might sound heroic, but I felt it. Not happy with it, but I felt it. I FELT IT. And my intelligence laughed at me for it. My own intelligence is telling me that I'm absurd and stupid. I shouldn't feel guilty for wanting something. I shouldn't feel guilty to stand for myself, but I felt it. Period. 

I give in to others' needs and opinions instead of taking care of myself. I let people shape me. I am angry when they think wrongly at me. I want them to know the real me before they judge me. But I also don't want them to know the real me. I don't want them to find out what's within me. And while I'm deciding between these two confusing needs, to be understood and to be misunderstood, I let people shape me. 

It is difficult for me to "let go." I am angry. I am disappointed. And often, it is so hard for me to forgive and let go. I want to linger on those negative emotions as long as I want, no matter how often my brain tells me I should let go and be freed. I felt that letting go might result in losing a part of myself and I tried to hold onto everything, even when I know with all my understanding, I shouldn't be holding onto them. I should let go of some things because that's how you move on. That's how you continue with your life. And I can't continue my life just because of this particular reason.

I am intimidated by angry people and intense emotions. The more angry people become, the less I can express my anger. Or even worse, thoughts and feelings. Mine all will happen few moments later, when no one is experiencing intense emotions nearby. When someone dies and everyone are crying, I feel this hollow emptiness of not feeling any kind of emotions. When people are overjoyed, I smile but I don't experience the same amount of excitement. I feel numb when people are emotional. I hold back when people burst. I pull away when people shine away.

I expect others to just know what I want. I've stopped asking for understanding or even showing I need it. I fear of embarrassing myself. I fear of facing rejections. So, I want them to 'just know'. As selfish as it may sound, I really feel so most of the times. But when people don't know what I want, I'll be angry. Instead of blaming them, however, I'll then blame me. And... 

I lie when I don't need to. Here it goes. Apparently, I am not the oh-so-truthful girl I want myself to appear to be. I used to use the lies as my personal survival kit. Though I know the tactic is no longer helpful, now that I'm not a kid anymore, and it's very unnecessary but I survived with it. I survived from the dark cliff of death with it. It has been my defense strategy for all my life. It's been working well and it's hard to cope with the fact that I might have to stop using it. Even now I'm thinking of leaving it, I feel bare and insecure.

So. Okay, I am now having a significant amount of fear. What the hell am I thinking about, writing this on a published note?

I guess I just need to face my own reality. Those things are things I've ignored for 20 years. I've loathed people who show those traits but yet, I am simply one of them. I hated them because they reflect me. They remind me of the nasty side of me. But I'm stepping up. I'm not one of them anymore because I've confessed. I've confessed and it's time to deal with them. One by one. Through the upcoming years, I'll become a better me. And I'm going to succeed. You should, too.

While those of you, who might not be one of us, can do something else. Whenever you have an acquaintance who keep saying 'I'm fine.', they're NOT fine. If they say, 'it doesn't matter.', remember, they matter. What they do might first not matter, but the person matters. And since they matter, the thing they do becomes an important matter too. Remember that. Don't assume that those people have their family to support them and hence, you don't need to help. Don't even assume that because most of the times, most likely, their parents are the ones who should be blamed. In a way, consciously or not, their parents teach them that they don't matter. They teach them their feelings aren't important. They teach them not to even try to fill their own needs. They teach them that their lives are worth nothing. They teach that they are of no use to anyone and they are only a burden. Then they teach them not to ask for help. They teach them to feel guilty for having needs. This is why they say, "I'm fine. It doesn't matter."

And that is the only legal crime in the world. Killing your sons and daughters by convincing them that their life is not worth living is legal and acceptable in our society. So don't assume if you have not the slightest idea where they came from.

P.S. Just in case no one noticed yet, I'm a very late bloomer. :)

---

"The remedy is the experience. I won't worry my life away."

sahabat bagiku.

I sometimes find it hard to believe how fast it all can happen… How a person can come into your world and just flip it around (in a good way). It’s kind of a miracle that there are people out there who by just being a part of your life…. make it better.

Nah, ini dia pertanyaan yang semua orang sangka mereka bisa jawab, tapi mungkin hanya segelintir yang bisa mengerti sedalam apa arti dua kata di atas. Well, bagi semua orang, tiap orang, tentu beda-beda… I get it. Gue sendiri mengganti definisi sahabat beberapa kali, thinking I got it right every time. Tapi sejalan dengan perjalanan hidup gue, gue pun tau ada yang harus diperbaiki.



PERTAMA KALI:

Sahabat bagi gue: seseorang yang mau mendengarkan keluh kesah gue dan selalu ada di samping gue.

KEDUA KALI:

Sahabat bagi gue: seseorang yang mau mendengarkan keluh kesah gue dan selalu ada disamping gue, bikin gue ketawa dan selalu nasehatin gue.

KETIGA KALI:

Sahabat bagi gue: seseorang yang mau mendengarkan keluh kesah gue dan selalu ada disamping gue, bikin gue ketawa dan selalu nasehatin gue. seseorang yang bisa diajak ngomong kapan aja.



Nah…

Berhubung ketiganya cuma ber-evolusi, gue ambil yang ketiga untuk gue koreksi. 

1. seseorang yang mau mendengarkan keluh kesah gue dan selalu ada disamping gue.

Gue berpikir dan terus meneliti. Dan ternyata gue baru menemukan jawaban-jawabannya. Sahabat itu BUKAN seseorang yang mau mendengarkan keluh kesah gue dan selalu ada di samping gue. Sahabat itu seseorang yang TETAP mendengarkan keluh kesah gue, siap mendengar meski sebenarnya dia juga ada yg mau diceritain. Sahabat itu bukan seseorang yang selalu disamping gue, tapi seseorang yang meski gak di samping gue, gue tetep tau gue gak kehilangan dia karena di tangan dia, jati diri gue aman. She knows the real me even though she’s not with me.

2. bikin gue ketawa dan selalu nasehatin gue.

Pelawak emangnya, mas? Ato nyokap? Ato nyokap loe pelawak? Banyak orang yang bisa bikin gue ketawa, but surely mereka bukan sahabat gue. Banyak orang yang menasehati gue, atau sok menasehati, dan gak berarti mereka sahabat gue. Sahabat bagi gue tidak harus bisa bikin gue ketawa, tapi dia akan ketawa sama gue. Sahabat itu seseorang yang tidak menasehati tapi membiarkan kita melakukan apa yang kita mau. Ia membiarkan kita bertindak dan mengambil keputusan dalam hidup kita, menghormati kita sebagai orang dewasa dan tidak mengatur hidup kita. Ia tidak melakukan apa-apa, tapi berdiri di belakang kita dan jika kita berbalik untuk menangis akan keputusan yang salah atau bersorak akan keputusan yang benar, itulah ketika ia bergabung dengan kesedihan atau kegembiraan kita. Ia tidak menasehati tapi ia berpendapat. Berpendapat secara faktual dan tidak menghakimi. Tetap membiarkan kita memiliki kebebasan untuk mengambil keputusan tanpa ada beban.

3. seseorang yang bisa diajak ngomong kapan aja.

Bagi gue, yang lebih penting bukan kapan saja, tapi APA SAJA. Sahabat itu seseorang yang bisa gue ajak ngomong tentang APA SAJA. Semua hal tidak penting seperti lebar kaki gue, jumlah tahi lalat di badan gue, posisi tidur kesukaan gue sampe obrolan seperti idealisme gue dan cara gue melihat masa depan. 



Kesimpulannya:

Ketika loe mencari arti sahabat, jangan lihat permukaannya. Bareng-bareng tiap hari tidak membuat seseorang menjadi sahabat loe. Tahu rahasia loe tidak membuat seseorang jadi sahabat loe. Bahkan, punya hobi yang sama tetap tidak menjadikan seseorang sahabat loe.

Arti sahabat itu justru sangat fundamental. Sangat basic.

Sahabat itu orang yang bisa menyelesaikan kalimat loe. That’s all.

Dia mengerti loe, mulai dari cara pikir, sifat, kegemaran, preferensi, selera, bahkan cara loe mengambil keputusan. Dia tau kelemahan dan kekuatan loe. Dia bisa nebak apa yang akan ada di pikiran loe jika loe ada di situasi tertentu, bahkan ketika loe gak pernah ngomongin/ngalamin situasi tersebut sebelumnya. Dia gak pernah berhenti mendengarkan dan belajar ttg kepribadian loe, memperkaya diri dengan kompleksitas pribadi loe, sembari membandingkannya dengan kompleksitas karakternya sendiri. Dia tahu apa yang cocok bagi loe dan apa yang tidak. Dia tahu apa yang akan membuat loe kehilangan jati diri dan apa yang akan membuat loe semakin menemukan jati diri loe. Dia mengetahui dan mengerti idealisme loe, menghargai meski mungkin berbeda dengan idealismenya. Dia mengenal loe lebih baik dari yang loe kira, dan bahkan mungkin lebih baik dari loe sendiri karena dia tidak bias. Dia memberitahu loe apa yang perlu loe dengar, enak ataupun gak enak, karena tetap lebih baik loe mendengarnya dari dia daripada dari orang lain. Dia memberi loe kebebasan untuk menjadi diri loe sendiri. Dia memberi loe kesempatan untuk berkembang bersama, mengenal hidup lebih dalam bersama, belajar bersama, berpikir bersama, menganalisa bersama, menemukan arti hidup bersama, mendalami misteri alam bersama. Dia membuat loe menjadi orang yang lebih baik, gak peduli loe mau mengakuinya atau tidak, karena hanya dengan mendengarkan dan mengerti loe, dia UDAH membuat loe menjadi orang yang lebih baik. 

So, mungkin loe mengklaim kalau loe udah menemukan sahabat loe, tapi lebih baik kita berpikir kembali. Sudahkah? Teman berbeda dengan teman dekat. Teman dekat berbeda dengan teman baik. Teman baik berbeda dengan sahabat.

Teman adalah orang yang loe kenal atau mungkin pernah ngobrol/makan siang bersama sekali dua kali, atau nebeng pulang tiap hari.

Teman dekat adalah teman yang duduk di samping loe di kelas, minjem penghapus loe dan loe pinjemin tip-ex. Teman dekat adalah orang yang loe ajak ngegosip tentang dosen dan motif dasinya yang aneh.

Teman baik adalah teman yang pergi dengan loe tiap weekend. Teman yang menghabiskan banyak momen bareng loe, seperti Natal atau ulang tahun. Teman yang hafal nomer handphone loe, pernah curhat-curhatan sampe nangis, kenal orangtua loe, ada di speed dial loe dan orang yang ngasih loe surprise jam 12 pas ulang tahun loe.

Tapi sahabat, dia bisa mencakup yang di atas semua, dia bisa juga tidak mencakup apapun yang di atas. Dia gak perlu jadi orang yang pergi sama loe tiap hari, orang yang loe telpon tiap kali ada masalah, orang yang ngobrol sama loe di telpon tiap hari. Dia gak perlu jadi orang yang tahu segala detail kehidupan loe. Dia cukup mengenal loe dan dia mengalahkan semua definisi jenis teman di atas.

She is your person. You tell her things not because you want to get her approval. But telling her makes it real. If you murdered someone, she’s the person you’d call to help you drag the corpse across the living room floor.

Satu lagi perbedaan teman dan sahabat. Loe akan devastated dan depressed kalau kehilangan teman. Tapi saat loe kehilangan sahabat, loe tetap akan merasakan syukur dalam hati bahwa loe pernah diberi kesempatan ketemu dengan seorang yang bisa mengerti loe seperti itu. Loe bisa punya segudang teman baik tapi belum tentu mereka mengenal loe. Jadi mana yang loe pilih, orang yang mengenal loe atau ratusan teman baik tanpa satu pun yang mengenal loe yang sesungguhnya?

New thoughts:
Sahabat itu adalah orang yang bisa membuat lo berpikir, lo mau melakukan sesuatu UNTUK dia, bukannya malah berharap lo mendapat sesuatu DARI dia. Ketika lo uda nemuin orang yang rasanya lo selalu ingin memberikan yang terbaik (at least, baik) buat dia, maka mungkin lo dalam perjalanan untuk menjadi seorang sahabat. Dan gue selalu percaya, untuk mendapatkan seorang sahabat sejati, lo harus terlebih dahulu menjadi seorang sahabat. Jika lo tidak bersedia memberi, mungkin lo juga tidak akan diberi.

Apakah gue uda berhasil menjadi sahabat seseorang? 

Sepertinya belum.

Apakah gue uda menemukan seorang sahabat? 

Gue belum bisa bilang itu, but I think I’ve found my person.

{ random prose }

The transluscent light reveals the darkest secret of the night as she traced the path in silence. She witnessed the shadows dancing before her, laughing at her and leaning to her. The moon glares down at her as if it understood all she has in mind. She keeps swaying her legs, one step after another. The shallow feeling she has in her right now is reflected on her teary eyes. She sees the shadows of the trees before her, waving eagerly for her attention. Perhaps they understand what she has to say. Perhaps they feel what she feels. Well, at least, she has someone who understands. And she smiles back.

June 11th, 2006 at 2:17 am